by I. E. Kneverday
Location: Montreal
Marital status: Single
Occupation: Musician
Children: None
Education: High school diploma
Weight: 189 pounds
Reason for swap: Need to escape a life of fame and endless touring. Time to settle down.
He has to admit, it sounds promising.
Sure, a bit lacking in the education department, but that’s not a deal-breaker for Janus. He can always go back to school later, he reasons. He can always keep learning.
Meanwhile, there are no night classes for becoming famous.
No University of Phoenix for rockstars.
Cozying up to his console, Janus taps the green “See if You’ll Swap” button, which triggers three tiny blue dots to begin their ritual performance. He stares with bloodshot eyes as the dots crisscross and loop around the screen, tracing soothing shapes pulled from sacred geometry. Below, the words “Making Contact” blink rhythmically in and out of existence.
Naturally, at this very moment, Janus considers abandoning the whole endeavor.
He thinks about that story he read online just a few weeks prior. About the potential side effects. The bad interactions. The shock of it all.
But before this creeping doubt can succeed in derailing Janus’s plan, the screen flashes white.
The dots disintegrate into pixel dust.
Fresh text rises up from the ashes.
Welcome, Janus 0180167743. You are now connected to Janus 9438555212.
Janus scratches at a phantom itch on his chin as he contemplates the perfect opening words for such an existentially momentous conversation. But after a few seconds, he gives up. Allows ceremony to surrender to practicality.
He begins typing.
Yo
You there?
Two mystifying seconds tick by.
Yea I’m here
Pinpricks of electricity rain down Janus’s back. It feels like his spine is being pelted by thousands of tiny, crackling hailstones.
Whoa
Did you just feel that?
Feel what?
Nvm
This is weird man
Yea, this is weird, man
Am I freaking you out, man?
Haha jk
Lemme guess…
First time on Swap.me?
Janus doesn’t see any point in lying.
You guess correctly
Don’t worry, you’ll get over the weirdness
I mean, I did
So I’m assuming you will too
How long have you been searching?
Couple months now
And you still haven’t swapped?
These things take time my man
It’s not something you want to rush into
Better to be picky
I guess that makes sense
Sooo when did we split?
Or where?
I can’t figure out if this is a “when” question or a “where” question
It’s both actually
It’s a where-when situation
Like space-time
Come on now, I thought you were smart
I thought WE were smart
Says the version who didn’t finish college
Ouch
That stings
And yet here you are…
Yea yea yea
Education doesn’t equal happiness
We all know the schpeil
Speil?
It’s “spiel”
Whatever
Lemme guess…
In Montreal, when the band asked, you said yes to dropping out of school
And buying the van
And driving across Canada
Hell yes I did!
Wait…
You said no?
Of course I said no
I had to get my degree
Then Peyton moved back to Boston with me
And we got “real” jobs
The rest is history
How dreadfully ordinary
And yet here you are…
Yea yea yea
Sooo you married him?
Peyton
I did
And you’re still married to him? Still in love and all that?
Janus thinks for a moment before concocting a response that can satisfactorily answer both questions.
Yep, still going strong
I see
So why the hell do you want to swap?
Cuz you’re living the dream man
Famous musician
All those fans
The money
You’d be willing to give up Peyton for that stuff?
What are you, my moral compass?
Remember: you DID give up Peyton for that stuff
Now I just want my shot
I want to see what life would be like if I’d chosen that path
I guess that makes sense
So is it still the original lineup in the band?
Mikey, Alison, Nikita…the whole crew?
Nah, actually we broke up a few years back
I’m flying solo now
Ah ok
But you’re still…
Ya know, famous and all that?
Still selling out stadiums?
A long, suspicious silence passes between universes.
Hello?
Sooo to be honest…
These days I prefer playing smaller venues
Makes it more intimate, ya know?
Like Club Soda?
Divan Orange?
Those kinds of places?
Yea
That’s sorta what I mean
Have you played those venues before?
Those two specifically?
No
So where have you played?
A bunch of places
Brutopia
The Old Dublin
Hurley’s
Sooo you’re a pub musician
In your profile you said you were famous
And always on tour…
I mean in certain circles I’m really well-known
And I do have to drive to gigs
Sometimes they’re a couple hours away
When’s your next gig?
Monday night
Really?
Where is it?
It’s in Somerville
I run an open mic night
But that still counts as a gig
Somerville?
Wait…
Did you move back to Boston?
Oh right, I meant to mention that
Your profile says you’re in Montreal
Does it?
Ah crap I need to update that
But yea I had to move back
There was a bit of a housing crisis
Like a city-wide housing crisis?
Or a personal housing crisis?
I mean, if I had to pick between those two…
The second sounds more accurate
So where are you staying now?
Do you at least have your own place?
Of course I do
It’s a comfy little spot
Tell me the truth…
Are you living in Mom and Dad’s basement?
Look
The living situation is temporary
The important thing is I’m following my dream
OUR dream
Here you get to play music for a living, just like you always wanted
I question your use of the phrase “for a living”
Har har
What, you think because you have your own house or apartment or whatever
that you’re better than me?
No
But I do think you’re a lying sack of shit
Correction, my friend
WE are a lying sack of shit
So why don’t we just put these details behind us and move forward with the
swap, yea?
Not gonna happen, bucko
Fine
Well can you at least do me one little favor?
What?
Tell Peyton I say hi
And that I’m sorry
You know that’s not how it works
I know
But it’d still make me feel better
Janus taps the red “End Connection” button.
A final line of text populates the conversation window:
Janus 0180167743 has ended the connection.
Disheartened but not defeated, Janus continues his search. With the swipe of a finger, he scrolls through Swap.me’s seemingly endless sea of profiles, pondering the formulas of the multiverse that had yielded such perplexingly different outcomes.
Location: Scottsdale (85254)
Occupation: Bouncer
Education: BA
Marital status: Divorced
Children: 2
Weight: 243 pounds
Reason for swap: Looking for a new job/lifestyle (and a body with fewer tattoos).
Location: Portland (04019)
Occupation: Driftwood artist
Education: BA
Marital status: Divorced
Children: None
Weight: 211 pounds
Reason for swap: Loneliness.
Location: Gloucester (01930)
Occupation: Fisherman
Education: High school diploma
Marital status: Divorced
Children: 4
Weight: 207 pounds
Reason for swap: Running out of bluefin in my universe.
Location: Chicago (60629)
Occupation: Marketer
Education: MBA
Marital status: Married
Children: None
Weight: 193 pounds
Reason for swap: Office job is killing me. Working 80-hour weeks. Peyton will leave me soon, I know it. But there might still be a chance. Any takers?
Location: Quincy (02169)
Occupation: Barback
Education: High school diploma
Marital status: Divorced
Children: 2
Weight: 219 pounds
Reason for swap: Need a change of scenery.
Location: Red City (99999)
Occupation: Graphic designer
Education: MFA
Marital status: Single
Children: None
Weight: 193 pounds.
Reason for swap: Looking for my muse; a new vehicle for bringing my artistic vision to life.
This last profile catches Janus’s eye.
True, the location is a tad befuddling, but he assumes it must be somewhere out West. Utah. Arizona. One of those places. Otherwise, he considers it a flawless profile.
While there’s no allure of fame, there is a comfortable blanket of education, and by extension, job security, to get wrapped up in, assuming this version hadn’t mucked it all up somehow.
The marital status is also a plus.
Closing his eyes for a moment, Janus imagines himself as a dashing bachelor, clad in a three-piece suit, attending exhibition openings at art galleries and the like, rubbing elbows with all sorts of rich and beautiful (and occasionally interesting) people. It’s a hypothetical he finds exponentially more pleasurable than his own reality.
Hope welling up anew inside him, Janus taps the green “See if You’ll Swap” button.
Once again, the blue dots are sent into a mathematically controlled frenzy.
A few seconds later, they disappear.
Welcome, Janus 0180167743. You are now connected to Janus 3343388501.
This time, Janus decides to eschew all pleasantries and get right to the point. With billions of potential versions available to swap with, he figures it’s better to be efficient than cordial. Assumes the other versions out there must feel the same way.
Yo
So is this designer gig of yours steady or what?
Super steady
Really?
Oooh yea
I’m not going anywhere for a long time
Awesome
And it pays well?
Ridiculously well
Granted, there aren’t many places where I can spend it
While Janus doesn’t perfectly understand the implications of this last statement, he hypothesizes, based on experiences he’s had in his own universe, that it has something to do with being habitually intoxicated and getting banned from certain establishments. Not an ideal scenario. But in Janus’s book, not a deal-breaker either.
Would it matter that I don’t know shit about design?
I’d leave you some playbooks of mine
Some templates you could follow
But you’d be coasting to retirement anyway
Just a few more years
Seriously?
Yea dude
You can cap off my career
They’ll call it my Shitty Phase
Har har
Sooo it says here you’re married…
To Peyton?
Yep
Janus recalls the line he had used in the previous conversation. Decides to use it again here.
Still going strong
You serious?
Yea man
So why the hell do you want to swap then?
Janus racks his brain. Formulates the response he thinks this version wants to hear.
I want what you have
A life of artistic expression
And independence
It’s not that I want to leave Peyton
But being able to experience something new, something for ME, while knowing another version of me will be taking care of him…
I’m willing to do it
Damn
I am like your complete opposite
All I’ve been able to think about is Peyton
For the past two years, that’s it
Getting back to him
Well here’s your chance my man
I guess you’re right
Hey, just need to ask this before we go any further…
You have your own house
Or condo
Or apartment
Right?
Yea man
Ok good
The last version I talked to was still in Mom and Dad’s basement
Nah don’t worry dude you’ll love it here
My living quarters are state of the art
They were designed by some famous architect
Living quarters?
Yeah man, inside the Teslarium
It’s pretty cool
Has a Flintstones vibe
Everything’s concrete, made from Martian soil
Wtf?
Dude…
Didn’t you see Red City in my profile?
And the zip code?
I’m on Mars
We haven’t gone to Mars yet in my universe, asshole
You haven’t?
Shut up
There’s no Red City?
I thought Red City was out in Arizona or something
Alaska would’ve been a better guess
Wait…
So how the hell did YOU get up there?
I was invited up to be the artist in residence
To make illustrations of all the landscapes and the habitats and all that
Got three years left on a five-year residency
You up for it?
Janus reflects on the past twenty-four hours, on how he had become increasingly comfortable with the notion of swapping universes. But swapping planets? For some unknown reason, it seems more unnatural to Janus. More dangerous.
Is it dangerous?
Being a graphic designer?
Living on mars
Well it’s no walk in the park
With the pressurization and everything
It can really mess with you
Anything happen to you so far?
Three seconds tick past before Janus 3343388501 provides a less than satisfying response.
I was in one accident, yea
But nothing lethal
Yea no shit nothing lethal
What happened to you?
It’s a long story
Tell me the short version
Fine
So when I first got here, I wanted to take a closer look at my new environment
I wanted to SEE those red swirling sands with my own eye
And I did…for a brief moment
Standing there in the airlock
I kept my right eye shut tight, kept my left eye open
And then whoosh!
Left eye got sucked right out of my skull
I consider it my Van Gogh moment
Janus 0180167743 has ended the connection.
It had sounded so promising, Janus laments. But with so many other versions out there to consider, all those different permutations, he’d been unable to settle for the life of the One-Eyed Martian Janus.
With a sigh, he returns to scanning profiles, where he discovers the usual culprits. A smattering of starving musicians and paycheck-to-paycheck laborers. Hordes of freelance writers and graphic designers, with the occasional white-collar marketing professional thrown in—always divorced.
And then he sees it.
Is drawn to it.
Like Odysseus to the Sirens.
Reading over the profile, he feels as though the panpsychic forces connecting the multiverse had aligned just for him, that every subatomic particle in existence had participated in seeking out and finding him the unequivocally most perfect version of himself to swap with.
If he were a religious man, Janus might have said his prayers had just been answered.
Location:Sligo (F91 CF54)
Occupation:Poet
Education:BA
Marital status:Single
Children:None
Weight:196 pounds
Reason for swap:Winning the lottery ruined my life.
“Ruined your life my ass,” Janus says aloud to no one, as he contemplates the tens of millions (hundreds of millions?) this version must have stashed away. He imagines piles of cash casually strewn around the luxuriously appointed rooms of a 19th-century mansion (renovated, of course) that’s nestled in the Irish countryside.
A ruined life, he theorizes, can easily be mended with money. New friends can be acquired. New acquaintances made. An entirely new social web can be constructed from fresh strands of silk.
He taps the button.
Is mesmerized by the dancing blue dots.
The connection is made.
Welcome, Janus 0180167743. You are now connected to Janus 6363656166.
Yo
How much do you have left?
Say what?
The lottery winnings
How much do you have left?
Nearly all of it
About $120 million
Holy shit
Why haven’t you spent it?
And follow-up question:
Why the hell do you want to swap?
Haha
You’re not the first version who’s asked me that
Look, it boils down to this:
In winning all that money, I lost everyone
My friends
My family
Peyton
You married him in your universe?
Yep
Still going strong
Damn
And you’re willing to leave him?
It’s really more about me than about him
And believe me, I know how selfish that sounds
Janus suddenly feels as if he’s typing out the words to a script.
The bottom line is that I want what you have
A life of artistic expression
And independence
It’s not that I want to leave Peyton
But being able to experience something new, something for ME, while knowing another version of me will be taking care of him…
I’m willing to do it
I guess that makes sense
And it says in your profile you don’t have any kids yet?
Janus swallows audibly, his Adam’s apple sticking in this throat, almost choking him.
Nah not yet
We’ve talked about it
But career-wise it just hasn’t made sense
Got it
And for your job it says “content marketing”
Is that steady work?
Yep
It’s solid
Been at this company for a few years now
Pay is decent
Got some stock options piling up
Some decent benefits
And you get to go into an office?
Yep
And you eat lunch with coworkers and stuff?
Yea, most of the time
Sometimes I eat at my desk
Got it
Cool
Wait…
Have you never had an office job before?
Nope
A second ticks by before Janus 6363656166 elaborates.
I won the lottery right after college
Then bought this house in Ireland and decided to focus on poetry
It’s beautiful here, probably the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen
But since Peyton left it’s been pretty lonely
And the house is so big…
I just want something simpler
I want a life that’s simpler
You know, that whole settle down with a family spiel
Welp…
If waking up next to the same person everyday and trudging to the same
office everyday sounds simple enough to you…
I’m down to swap
You serious?
Hell yea man
Just tell me…for the money
Will you have the bank info and account numbers and everything written
out for me?
Ten steps ahead of you
There’s a binder waiting on my desk right here that explains everything
All my investments
Plus debit cards, credit cards, checkbooks
I’ve had everything ready for a while
Amazing
And for your job?
Oh, right
I’ve got a cheat sheet ready for you
Who you report to, a writing style guide, my upcoming deadlines
You’ll get the hang of it no problem
Awesome
Sooo I guess we’re doing this?
Wait…
Just one last question:
Yea?
You’re not missing an eye are you?
Or a limb or anything?
Apart from being circumcised, I am completely intact
Wait…
Are you?
Circumcised?
No…
The eye and limb thing
Not gonna lie, I’m a tad concerned you brought it up
No, no, it’s not me
It’s just this last version I talked to
He was on Mars and had this terrible accident…or at least, it was sort of
an accident
Anyway, he lost an eye
But didn’t really seem keen on mentioning it until I prodded him
Ahh I see
Yea you really gotta watch out for the Martian versions
Bunch of hooligans
Haha got it
Wish I had known that sooner
Alright, so you ready to swap?
Let’s do it
I’m tapping the button now
A string of text pops up on the screen:
Janus 6363656166 wants to swap. Do you want to swap with Janus 6363656166?
Janus taps the green “Yes, I want to swap” button.
Reads the instructions.
E-signs the non-liability agreement.
So we just need to attach the thingies now, right?
Yea you gotta stick em on your temples
Alright
I’ve got mine on, you?
Yep, good to go
Ok
So how you wanna do this?
I’m gonna count down from five
Then we both tap the “Confirm” button
Cool?
Cool
Janus takes a deep breath,
Five
looks around the bedroom one last time,
Four
the bedroom he and Peyton shared for all those years,
Three
before Peyton took their two kids and left,
Two
before he told Janus that he never really loved him,
One
before he said those heart-eviscerating words: “In no version of this would I ever actually love you.”
For a split-second, Janus feels a tinge of guilt for having lied to such a witless version of himself. But he quickly stamps this little fire out.
And taps “Confirm.”
*
When he regains consciousness, the change in atmosphere is immediately palpable.
It’s danker.
And darker.
The windows, which are set high up on the walls, abutting a pipework-infested ceiling, are drafty (but it must be noted that they do a satisfactory job of keeping the sunlight out).
The smell, however, is what gives it away. It’s a pervasive, pungent, and yet simultaneously comforting smell. And unfortunately for Janus, it isn’t the smell of peat fires burning in the Irish countryside. No, it’s that familiar combination of dirty laundry, moldy pull-out couch, and decades-old Halloween decorations.
It’s the smell of Mom and Dad’s basement.
I. E. Kneverday is a writer of science fiction, horror, and fantasy. His first book, The Woburn Chronicles: A Trio of Supernatural Tales Set in New England’s Most Mysterious City, is available now. Learn more at Kneverday.com and say ‘hi’ on twitterand facebook.
